Let’s face it, the best thing about Showtime’s Californication is Hank Moody’s swift wit and dialogue, imbued with one-liners and flirtatious zings. Here are all the best Hank Moody quotes I could find! Will update upon each new episode..
“To quote The Clash, should I stay or should I rock the casbah?”
“You can’t snort a line of coke off a woman’s ass and not wonder about her hopes and dreams, it’s not gentlemanly. ”
“You’re looking at me like I just finger-banged your cat.”
“Oh, look at the time…. The big hand says F**k, and the little hand says Off….. Good thing there’s not a second hand. I’m goin’ in.”
“I won’t go down in history, but I will go down on your sister.”
“I love women. I have all their albums.”
“A morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness..”
“Well, you should’ve called. I wouldn’t have answered, but you coulda left a message, which I would’ve quickly erased.”
“Oh, and it’d be nice if I could fellate myself while farting the White album, but I haven’t quite mastered that yet.”
“You sure you don’t have a grabass appointment with an alter boy?”
“What did I do? I handled the f*** outta that shit!”
“Consider yourself defiled..”
“Rectum… Damn near killed ’em..”
“A BRONER!!! An unintentional male inspired b*ner.. thats the word I’m looking for”
“Life is too short to dance with fat girls”
“I consider that whole area, general area, like from my knees to my nipples… cock.”
Hank Moody: Funky back-tat on the small of the back there, you know what that means.
Hank Moody: She likes it in the pooper.
Hank Moody: I have no idea, I just wanted to say pooper.
“Just because something is bleak doesn’t necessarily make it true.”
“It’s not your fault. I’m like fly paper for the emotionally disturbed.”
Trixie: So what are your thoughts of rehab?
Hank Moody: Rehab is for quitters.
“Do we think the ladies have gone too far with the sex positive feminism? I mean I know they’re all down with the pornography and the shaved pudenda and what not, but do we really think this is the path to liberation?”
“Are you sexually harassing me right now? Because if you are, I think I’m going to have to report you – for giving me a serious boner.”
“She’s not much one for chatting – texting, yes – twittering, tweeting, twatting, staring solemnly at the old man. ”
“Wine is fine but whisky’s quicker”
“Oh, I don´t know.. I thought I´d start the day with some dry toast and half a grapefruit,maybe go for a run or maybe I´ll just jerk off and go back to bed”
“Women know within the first few seconds of meeting a guy whether they want to marry him, fuck him or kill him.”
“I probably won’t go down in history, but I will go down on your sister. While I’m down there it might be nice to see a hint of pubis. I’m not talking about a huge 70’s playboy bush or anything, just something that reminds me I’m performing cunnalingus on an adult.”
“I’m declaring a jihad on your pussy!”
Hank: Don’t you remember I’m an asshole ?
Meredith: I’m an attorney
Hank: Oh, then we’re both assholes.
“Instead of finding out your husband was gay, you could’ve found out he was a Scientologist…or a Nazi. Or Al-Qaeda. See that’s what I love about LA. It’s the diversity.”
“It might be nice if I could fellate myself while farting ‘The White Album’ but I haven’t quite been able to master that yet.”
“Your assistant makes me want to touch myself in a bad place”
Becca: Dad, are you ok?
Hank: No, but i’m working on it
“I love you Karen…and I want to spend the rest of my life annoying the shit out of you.”
Hank into mirror: “Nobody likes you ..you are ugly and your mother dresses you funny. Now smile you fuckin’ douche.”
“….and as my family moves on, I drown in a sea of pointless pussy.”
“You kicked my dick out of the house. You made my dick homeless. And out of doors is a place where penises don’t generally fare well. So my homeless dick now must seek shelter where and whence it can.”
Charlie: “You’ve owed your publisher a book since Becca was breastfeeding. I remember this because I used to watch.”
Hank: “Kiss my black ass”
“That’s right, I said it, I meant it, I’m here to represent it.”
“Your mouth tastes like a hobo’s taint.”
“I have found that the back tat is the watermark of the promiscuous.”
“She takes after her mother. The make-up and the slutty clothes.”
“How can you be so fucking beautiful and so fucking wrong?”
“All those things that weren’t supposed to happen? They happened. What happens next is up to you.”
“Could I get a jumbo order of what the fuck were you thinking”
“I went there to kick his ass, and I stayed to soak up his wisdom.”
“Hey, it’s you isn’t it, I made a mess of your bush this morning.”