It appears that a lot of people are wondering is Robert Pattinson single or is Robert Pattinson gay. Why, I honestly don’t know. But here is the deal. In a day in age where more important things like whether or not we’re going to pull out of Afghanistan or if president Obama is going to legalize gay marriage throughout all of the United States, people just seem to like this sort of trivial BS and guess what? You’re one of them. So I will tell you. And you will thank me. And we can be friends.

Robert Pattinson jokingly confessed in an interview that he was gay, most likely because he likes to think of himself as a witty guy and young celebrities like to play with the minds of their audience because they grew up reading modern celebrity rags like People and watching E! true hollywood stories (maybe even lifestyles of the rich and famous, but is Pattison old enough to remember?) and they say things because they think it’s funny. At any rate, a close friend of his, Marcus Foster, when asked is Robert Pattison gay, said no. He does, however smoke. Yes, Robert Pattison smokes and told this to MSN Entertainment January 3, 2009. He apparently also took valium when auditioning for Twilight, if that really matters to you. But ya know what? You know and I know that it doesn’t because no matter what amount of valium, what number of cigarettes he smokes a day, whether he’s gay or not doesn’t matter when you have a celebrity crush. What really matters is if he’s single, right?

WRONG. It doesn’t matter unless you’re a total loser and have too much time on your hands and are planning on stalking him. No, I didn’t call you a loser for wanting to know, don’t get your panties in a mess over it. Only if you couple that with stalking him. So don’t stalk him. Stalk me. I need a stalker so I can feel like a sought-after-celeb. Actually, no, don’t do that, that’s creepy.

But yes, if you really want to know, Robert Pattison is single, according to Access Hollywood. Just because he’s doping around with this floozey and that doesn’t mean he’s hitched. It just means he likes girls. Maybe it doesn’t even mean that he isn’t gay, just that he likes girls. But he’s single. That’s what you wanted to know. And now you know. And we can still be friends.