Hank Moody Quotes

Let’s face it, the best thing about Showtime’s Californication is Hank Moody’s swift wit and dialogue, imbued with one-liners and flirtatious zings. Here are all the best Hank Moody quotes I could find! Will update upon each new episode..

Hank Moody Quotes

“To quote The Clash, should I stay or should I rock the casbah?”

“You can’t snort a line of coke off a woman’s ass and not wonder about her hopes and dreams, it’s not gentlemanly. ”

“You’re looking at me like I just finger-banged your cat.”

“Oh, look at the time…. The big hand says F**k, and the little hand says Off….. Good thing there’s not a second hand. I’m goin’ in.”

“I won’t go down in history, but I will go down on your sister.”

“I love women. I have all their albums.”

“A morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness..”

“Well, you should’ve called. I wouldn’t have answered, but you coulda left a message, which I would’ve quickly erased.”

“Oh, and it’d be nice if I could fellate myself while farting the White album, but I haven’t quite mastered that yet.”

“You sure you don’t have a grabass appointment with an alter boy?”

“What did I do? I handled the f*** outta that shit!”

“Consider yourself defiled..”

“Rectum… Damn near killed ’em..”

“A BRONER!!! An unintentional male inspired b*ner.. thats the word I’m looking for”

“Life is too short to dance with fat girls”

“I consider that whole area, general area, like from my knees to my nipples… cock.”

Hank Moody: Funky back-tat on the small of the back there, you know what that means.
Charlie: No
Hank Moody: She likes it in the pooper.
Charlie: Really?
Hank Moody: I have no idea, I just wanted to say pooper.

“Just because something is bleak doesn’t necessarily make it true.”

“It’s not your fault. I’m like fly paper for the emotionally disturbed.”

Trixie: So what are your thoughts of rehab?
Hank Moody: Rehab is for quitters.

“Do we think the ladies have gone too far with the sex positive feminism? I mean I know they’re all down with the pornography and the shaved pudenda and what not, but do we really think this is the path to liberation?”

“Are you sexually harassing me right now? Because if you are, I think I’m going to have to report you – for giving me a serious boner.”

“She’s not much one for chatting – texting, yes – twittering, tweeting, twatting, staring solemnly at the old man. ”

“Wine is fine but whisky’s quicker”

“Oh, I don´t know.. I thought I´d start the day with some dry toast and half a grapefruit,maybe go for a run or maybe I´ll just jerk off and go back to bed”

“Women know within the first few seconds of meeting a guy whether they want to marry him, fuck him or kill him.”

“I probably won’t go down in history, but I will go down on your sister. While I’m down there it might be nice to see a hint of pubis. I’m not talking about a huge 70’s playboy bush or anything, just something that reminds me I’m performing cunnalingus on an adult.”

“I’m declaring a jihad on your pussy!”

Hank: Don’t you remember I’m an asshole ?
Meredith: I’m an attorney
Hank: Oh, then we’re both assholes.

“Instead of finding out your husband was gay, you could’ve found out he was a Scientologist…or a Nazi. Or Al-Qaeda. See that’s what I love about LA. It’s the diversity.”

“It might be nice if I could fellate myself while farting ‘The White Album’ but I haven’t quite been able to master that yet.”

“Your assistant makes me want to touch myself in a bad place”

Becca: Dad, are you ok?
Hank: No, but i’m working on it

“I love you Karen…and I want to spend the rest of my life annoying the shit out of you.”

Hank into mirror: “Nobody likes you ..you are ugly and your mother dresses you funny. Now smile you fuckin’ douche.”

“….and as my family moves on, I drown in a sea of pointless pussy.”

“You kicked my dick out of the house. You made my dick homeless. And out of doors is a place where penises don’t generally fare well. So my homeless dick now must seek shelter where and whence it can.”

Charlie: “You’ve owed your publisher a book since Becca was breastfeeding. I remember this because I used to watch.”
Hank: “Kiss my black ass”

“That’s right, I said it, I meant it, I’m here to represent it.”

“Your mouth tastes like a hobo’s taint.”

“I have found that the back tat is the watermark of the promiscuous.”

“She takes after her mother. The make-up and the slutty clothes.”

“How can you be so fucking beautiful and so fucking wrong?”

“All those things that weren’t supposed to happen? They happened. What happens next is up to you.”

“Could I get a jumbo order of what the fuck were you thinking”

“I went there to kick his ass, and I stayed to soak up his wisdom.”

“Hey, it’s you isn’t it, I made a mess of your bush this morning.”

Movie Review: Zombieland

Oi, I just watched Zombieland and I’m pleased to say I didn’t spend any money on it as I would have felt it wasted on the talented actors who made a boring zombie flick. Making zombie movies is like being in a punk band: unless you’re cross-genre, there’s nothing you are going to write that hasn’t been written before. We’ve all heard the political dissent, we’ve all heard the three chord song structures, and we’ve all heard the fast drum beats on every song from a band before. So if you’re doing it, you’re doing it just to add to the universe, not so much to affect it in some huge profound way. That’s how I see Zombieland.

It’s sorta upsetting, to be honest. A friend of mine from Emerson College had once told me that voice-overs in movies were a cop-out, and I never stopped agreeing with the sentiment. A narrator isn’t needed if they’re just going to explain what’s happening on the screen, for one, and if they’re going to give boatloads of background information then why not just leave the story in the book instead of attempting to squeeze so much into an hour and a half? Zombieland was more the former and it became so much so that I almost walked out, but decided to multitask with a text-convo instead.

The thing that this movie lacked the most was zombie fighting. Zombie movies are about killing zombies and there just wasn’t enough of that here. Instead, the emphasis is on the charming and unlikely college romance that buds between the nerdy protagonist and a random hot chick he finds on the street. He’s literally one of the last men on Earth and the other one is Woody Harrelson, so…. why is she falling for the nerd? Not very realisti-..Oh, right, it’s a zombie flick. Ok, but then there’s this random scene where Bill Murray shows up as himself and the theme from ghostbusters takes up a good minute or two. THAT feels a little bit like a cop-out, and it takes away from the film since now I’m thinking about another film.

Zombie movies are notoriously bad. The strange thing about it is that one of the first was Zombi 2 1979 which was actually well directed and well acted and can be watched as a serious film much like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It’s true horror and makes your skin crawl just like a good ol 1970s grindhouse flick should. This emphasis on the joke of these movies takes away from the art that went into the originals (think about the special effects in those movies). Zombieland had some gore, but it was mild. The zombies were the fast-running kind just like 28 days later, which movies have been ripping off ever since. And then you have this geeky college kid telling geeky college kid jokes over the whole thing. It was embarassing, in a way. Worst of all was the lack of originality throughout the whole thing. The narrator’s rules on living in zombieland weren’t as funny as they tried to be and nothing in the plot was anything we haven’t seen before in other movies.

All in all, I found it to be a waste of time cuz it was only mildly entertaining at best and should have been a waste of the production company’s (Columbia I think) money, but instead profited $40 million most likely due to advertising, or maybe people just seem to like this sort of crap. Either way, I’m not surprised, nor was I entertained. Now, you wanna see a good zombie flick that pokes fun of zombie flicks, go see Planet Terror..

Californication – Slow Happy Boys – se03ep05

Kevin Corrigan of The Departed fame joins the Californication cast on this gender-bending episode, starring David Duchovny as Hank Moody, a not-so-starving writer struggling to win over his daughter and win back his ex-girlfriend. The Showtime comedy-drama often dispels into the vastness of sexual escapades as Hank’s charm and wit proceed him, never failing to induce a chuckling and a flirt from the ladies. This episode is no exception when Mike (Kevin Corrigan), an old friend of Hank’s from New York, comes to visit L.A. while at the same time Hank’s daughter Becca visits Karen in New York. Meanwhile, Charlie Runkle, writer’s agent extraordinaire (that’s sarcasm), has a blast from the recent past that lands him the bearer of bashful news when his wife Marcy senses something is up.

When I watch Californication, the only thing wrong I find with this show is the theme song. The writing is hilarious, the acting is more than pleasant, and this particular episode is one that ends with full-hearted love from the Californication cast, something the show generally has an easy time pulling off with its hippie-love California vibe diet. Most of the time, it’s full of fantasies that could potentially make you go “Nah, THAT would never happen!” But then again, some guys got all the fun, and Hank Moody is notoriously one of them.

Watch Californication online at:


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The View From Scarlett Johansson’s Bridge

This summer has starred some pretty heavy film talents on Broadway and it isn’t letting up now. Not Miller’s most successful play, but famous nonetheless, A View From The Bridge will star Scarlett Johanson on Broadway, part of a growing trend with Hollywood actors and actresses.  Miss Johansson, aged 24, will show up in the Great White Way alongside famous actor Liev Schreiber in this 1950s American drama about a dockyard worker in Brooklyn, NY who’s obsessed with his 17-year-old niece (Johansson). It hasn’t hurt that who’s preceded her have been the likes of X-Men and Wolverine drone Hugh Jackman, 007 Bond man Daniel Craig, and smoking-while-pregnant star Catherine Zeta-Jones (I’m sorry, I had to say it). But Johansson is a talent that is worthy of the label unlike most of her contemporaries: She acts, she sings, and now she is coming drastically close to putting those two together, albeit the slow and thoughtful way, by stage-acting in a not-so-famous famous Arthur Miller play.

She’s making a strong career move. With very strong ticket sales from the 2008 and 2009 on-Broadway season, it’s obvious that Hollywood stars are ensuring the success of Broadway and thus the success of themselves. It could be that a mixture of a bad economy and the I-now-download-most-of-my-media syndrome are causing people to seek better avenues for their buck, or maybe it’s just the level of interest in theater arts that the straight-to-film actors and actresses are feeling they are missing. Either way, producers on Broadway are now saying it’s essential to have big film actors and actresses to ensure sucess.

Johansson apparently does whatever she thinks she is capable of, but not outside of her range of reality, and gets away with it. Let’s face it, she’s a young twenty-something actress who made it big at an incredibly early age, she’s got ties with some of the hippest folks in the industry (Woody Allen, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Bill Murray and Sophia Copola, Tom Waits, David Bowie, need I mention more?), her album sounded like a cross between The Velvet Underground (with Nico of course) and Mazzy Star and managed to get into the top albums of the year for 2008 with Billboard and NME, and now she’s moving from film to stage just like that. Who wouldn’t commend this? Jealous folks maybe? Cynics?

The question is moot, though. If you had already done everything there was to do in Hollywood, what exactly would YOU do, short of starting a new career as a stage actress? She has her pick of avenues in which to express herself, a rare and sought-after position to be in. Without talent, she could be one of the thousands of beautiful women trying to get ahead in the industry, and instead she’s managed to pull off her rolls with ease, almost as if she was born for it.  Maybe she was? Maybe it’s Mabeline? Maybe I’m just a sucker for her high cheekbones. Regardless, there is no doubt in my mind that Broadway will find her similarly endowed.

Tunisian-French fashion designer Hedi Slimane does Lady Gaga

Tunisian-French fashion designer Hedi Slimane has designed the two covers for Lady Gaga’s upcoming release of The Fame Monster in his well-known fashion diary style. Known for discovering young models in the streets of London, New York and Berlin, some of American favorites have included Amy Winehouse and Courtney Love, and he continues to have a plethora of connections to the British indie-rock scene. In 2007, he joined forces with friend Gus Van Sant, director of Good Will Hunting, starting a project entitled “Young American”, which had been briefly introduced during a FOAM museum exhibition in July of 2007. Slimane is unique in his glamorous field of fashion and design in that he doesn’t do drugs of any sort, including smoking or drinking, and prefers to design alone.

Official Cover of The Fame MonsterOfficial Cover of The Fame Monster

Special Edition Release of The Fame MonsterSpecial Edition Release of The Fame Monster

Robert Pattinson: Single or Gay?

It appears that a lot of people are wondering is Robert Pattinson single or is Robert Pattinson gay. Why, I honestly don’t know. But here is the deal. In a day in age where more important things like whether or not we’re going to pull out of Afghanistan or if president Obama is going to legalize gay marriage throughout all of the United States, people just seem to like this sort of trivial BS and guess what? You’re one of them. So I will tell you. And you will thank me. And we can be friends.

Robert Pattinson jokingly confessed in an interview that he was gay, most likely because he likes to think of himself as a witty guy and young celebrities like to play with the minds of their audience because they grew up reading modern celebrity rags like People and watching E! true hollywood stories (maybe even lifestyles of the rich and famous, but is Pattison old enough to remember?) and they say things because they think it’s funny. At any rate, a close friend of his, Marcus Foster, when asked is Robert Pattison gay, said no. He does, however smoke. Yes, Robert Pattison smokes and told this to MSN Entertainment January 3, 2009. He apparently also took valium when auditioning for Twilight, if that really matters to you. But ya know what? You know and I know that it doesn’t because no matter what amount of valium, what number of cigarettes he smokes a day, whether he’s gay or not doesn’t matter when you have a celebrity crush. What really matters is if he’s single, right?

WRONG. It doesn’t matter unless you’re a total loser and have too much time on your hands and are planning on stalking him. No, I didn’t call you a loser for wanting to know, don’t get your panties in a mess over it. Only if you couple that with stalking him. So don’t stalk him. Stalk me. I need a stalker so I can feel like a sought-after-celeb. Actually, no, don’t do that, that’s creepy.

But yes, if you really want to know, Robert Pattison is single, according to Access Hollywood. Just because he’s doping around with this floozey and that doesn’t mean he’s hitched. It just means he likes girls. Maybe it doesn’t even mean that he isn’t gay, just that he likes girls. But he’s single. That’s what you wanted to know. And now you know. And we can still be friends.

Movie Review: Twilight (2008)

You Better Hold On Tight, Spidermonkey

Arguably the best line in the movie, “You better hold on tight, spidermonkey,” says Edward as he climbs up the bark of a redwood with Bella on his back. And as they continue on through the forest, jumping, flying, arriving at high mast to overlook a scene of enormous, mountainous beauty, you would never guess that it was all CGI. These days, however, I’m beginning to accept that most of it is. See: Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings, although Harry Potty is worse in that it’s overly colorful and horribly childish. It’s actually quite disturbing to find so many comparisons of Twilight to Potter, most presumably due to the furor engulfing followers of both. Is it too much to recognize the vast difference between the two? If I were part of the production of Twilight, I’d be pretty annoyed at America (although I can think of a kajillion other reasons to be annoyed at America, but that’s beside the point).

Fans of the book would be horrified at the adaptation on the screen. What is a clumsy, humorous protagonist character in the book is portrayed as sullen and lost, only to be found by her true vampire love (awe), which was probably what Melissa Rosenberg (screenwriter) wanted and Stephanie Meyer (novelist) hates. If you hadn’t read the book (and I hadn’t, sorry) then you might actually enjoy it far more (like i did).

The problems in the movie have nothing to do with acting or portrayal; nobody overdoes it, nobody falls short. Neither does any cinematography exhibit a lack of skill. The downfalls are found in the teeny-bopper, sexy soundtrack and the tag-line dialogue in the villains. This is a movie for 13 year old girls. And its overtones of sexuality are a little.. vague. My point being that if you’re going to go that route, why not go all the way and have some lesbian kissing? That way you’d reel in not just the girls but the boys too!

Alas, I’m glad you didn’t, because while the ridiculousness of the plot — girl is lonely, girl meets boy, boy is vampire, vampires are dangerous, girl learns the hard way.. and nothing has a logical explanation to it… maybe that’s what makes it good, that it’s a fantasy.

One of the most important concepts some filmmakers have trouble understanding is the color scheme of the storyboard. Twilight does not make this mistake. While it’s vivid, dreamy, and dark it’s also very colorful without losing faith in itself, a forest hue bundle that never fades. Another great example of this is Memento and, in fact, there’s some talk of it in the DVD extras. Ultimately, color-scheming is a marketing ploy and you can see the same scheme on the website for New Moon, although New Moon has a more sepia tone drawn in. Yet another example is The Illusionist. Come to think of it, the color scheme is exactly the same in the Illusionist.

Anyhoo, this is not an A1 movie. Neither is it bottom-of-the-barrel. The toughest part on the filmmakers must have been squeezing a 544 page book into a two hour movie, which is sort of long for teenagers. However, it reels in your inner teenage girl and doesn’t tire, even through the credits while Radiohead plays (scarily) and then moves to one of the worst Linkin Park songs I think I’ve ever heard.